Kimansulo Un-special

The Lure;

Man Philo, this place is amazing! These chics do really kinky weird stuff on stage. One day one squatted and pulled her ‘stuff’ all the way to the ground and released it and it snapped back like a rubber band! and get this after dancing for a little while she wet herself thoroughly with cum. (I figure she pissed, wat do I know?)

Gwe! This other time, chic comes over to our table and we were like, wah! No money! So she picks up my club beer bottle (the long neck 500ml one) and squats a little and pushes the entire thing up her meow!

(At this point am staring at Hassan with a look of shock and bewilderment! Then it hit me… wait a minute, isn’t that where babies come from you dimwit! So of-course the bottle can fit! But why… oh why?).

You’ve got to admit, Hassan is really good at baiting. (fine I was officially curious!).

Taking the bait;

After a lot of coaxing and contemplation (looking for a hoodie, baseball cap and dark sunglasses for the nite) I finally decided am going!

My good friend Hassan organized for us along with a number of other friends to visit this little dingy bar on rubaga road. (name withheld for obvious legal implication, this shit is still illegal in Uganda).

The show was by ‘Desire angels’ or some awkward name of the sort, can’t really remember. (Guinness is good for the soul but treacherous to the memory). The fee at the door was a measly 3,000 UGX (about a 1 dollar and 50cents) that should have been my first daunting warning of things to come. (cheap tends to beget cheap! I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best).

The Show;

It all started well, poorly lit, fairly clean loos and a really simple interior (plus a fussy bouncer who led me out coz I was making a call while inside) and the odd MCs who in-spite of being louder than the resident Muezzin 1km away still managed to be un-inspiringly inaudible. (oh wait, it was a Luganda only event… wah! Am fluent and I still couldn’t understand what they were saying half of the time).

Around 11pm a lady clad in a tight black number hit the stage. She danced and mimed (more like motioned her lips) to some salsa song, nothing memorable (well she did have all her clothes on!). However what I did find most peculiar was the rosary in her hand (kinda too late to be repenting don’t you think? ….nice stage prop!). just I was still grumbling and mumbling to myself at the obvious lack of nudity (yelling REFUND! REFUND! in my head), the power went off. The other customers seemed rather smug about it, in-fact almost patient and understanding. (Perhaps it was all part of the act…).

After what seemed like an hour they finally diagnosed the problem, ‘faulty wiring that couldn’t be identified!’ Just perfect YAY! So much for the curtain raisers (don’t these chumps do rehearsals?).

Another 30mins or so, they got everything fixed up and running, FINALLY! Next act can only be described as SHOCKING. This baby hippo hit the stage, am not trying to butter things up. Lads and Lasses, this madame was the re-definition of BIG-BONED! Everything about her body was in more than ample proportions. Though I must add, her composure and confidence on stage were all together quite impressive and admirable. (she knew her shit…!)

She went on to wow the crowd with not so careful dancing and undulations of her more than busty figure. She jiggled about and made a concerted effort to do the dutty whine. I did find her performance mildly erotic, especially when she’d squat with her thighs wide open revealing a well maintained poontang. (well at-least she took the time to shave).

What you don’t know, can hurt you.

Scuffle, Random shouting, Flash of a phone, MC shouting in luganda- ‘if you take pictures, we take your camera!’ Looking carefully it was really close to where Sam and Ritah were sitted.

I figured better to check up on them and make sure everything is copacetic. I arrive to see Sam in full bitch-fit mode! Whoa…! You do not want to mess with this lady, she can definitely hold her own!

Turns out, you’re not allowed to take pictures (it’s a PSYCHIC INVISIBLE NOTICE written on the door as you get in. how could she have missed it!).

but a nearby customer was kind enough to warn her and she quickly deleted the photo. Apparently the MC’s inability to make coherent conversation was the least of his impediments (he was high as a kite!). So he comes shouting at Sam, in coming the bouncers who literally man-handled this fair damsel (one un-necessarily pulling her by the arm). We tried to help quell the situation, but the bouncer was being most unreasonable, rather than lead her out, for some strange reason the numnut bouncer wanted to take her to some back room. (the picture was deleted, there was no notice to warn the patrons… and his handling of a lady like that was just crass. Sam was not happy at all… with very good reason too!).

Our numbers helped, soon they realized she was not alone, plus she also threatened to call the police. (mention the police and everything changes). The manager owner actually came to calm Sam down personally. On the upside, he made the offending MC and bouncer come back to apologise (halfwits!). he even threw in a VIP performance (free) for us on Monday night. (Alas the damage was already done, personally I don’t think I’ll be going back to that place anytime soon).

ALL IS WELL THAT ENDS WELL. (a little optimism never hurt anyone).

HOW WAS IT?

Horrible HORRIBLE HORRIBLE! The models on stage were nothing short of FUGLY. The waitresses were way prettier than the dancers on stage. The acts were poorly planned, robotic, and lacking in any artistic form or character. The crowd was ur typical taxi drivers, boda-boda guys, conductors, frustrated husbands/bachelors and the odd slut (excuse the stereotypes but am just telling it like it is). The beer price was friendly (the bar man was nice to me, the first Guinness I bought was flat and he readily swapped it without a fuss). The toilets were clean (then again, it was still rather early). The security leaves a lot to be desired, the service was shit, the bouncers psychotic and the MCs incoherent probably rabid.

The experience was a bit of a culture shock for me, but I can not lie to you, I was fascinated by Uganda’s booming sub-culture. (I didn’t expect to find that many people there, believe you me, it was packed like hell!)