dangerous territory...

Preamble; i needed healthy control serum and plasma (and as an added plus i needed some serum for myself, haven't checked my HIV status in almost 3 months... so embarrassing!!! and no, i haven't been having sex, but i still love knowing...).

so i got a 20ml syringe (that's the biggest we have, i was going for bigger is better)... stuck a needle to that puppy and jammed it into my hand. it was a little hard getting the tourniquet off, but with a little jostling i was able to bite it off as one hand steadied the needle in the other hand....

but here is where the problem lies... it didn't hurt, it actually felt very good. i could almost say, i freaking enjoyed it! i could feel everything; my heart racing, the needle tearing through my skin, the pain of the cannula settling in the lumen of the vein, the initial suction of the blood...

for the first time today, I FELT ALIVE, not like this numbness that's been hanging over me this past month or so...

i felt connected with myself, seeing my blood reminding myself am just as finite as any other person...

i felt like me again...(ok am beginning to sound like a drug junkie-cum-suicidal sadomasochist but oh well.. it felt good).

do i want to do it again? not really, got the specimen i wanted.

guess we all have our own different ways of connecting with our inner selves, some take alcohol, others sex, others family, others food... mine i think maybe needle pricks... Now to find an acupuncturist in UG!

damaged goods

honestly, i don’t think am going to go very far with this... For one I hate waking up alone, I hate my bed sheets, my pillow only smelling of my cologne. (I miss your scent on my things, I miss knowing you are there even when I can’t see you). I hate having no one to cook for (you are thinking more for me! but when there’s no one to marvel at the way you boil eggs trust me it’s a sad feeling…). I miss feeling alive feeling appreciated, feeling important.

I miss having my mind read, I would go back home to find chips and chicken and yoghurt for the tummy ache that I hadn’t told anyone about. I need to be touched, of late I feel like an inanimate object (office furniture to be exact, black and lacking comfort or design). I miss waking up to see someone had been watching me sleep for the last hour or so.

I miss being overprotective, I miss standing up for someone else’s mistakes just coz I care for them. (and a times it was for really stupid reasons! Do planes have freaking indicators???). More than anything I miss laughing myself to sleep, listening to this idiot go on and on about utter nonsense! And I would still listen and laugh, tickle and be tickled, sit beside you on the bed and forget the whole freaking world existed. I miss hearing your life plans, your insecurities, me reminding you that the weight of the world is not on your shoulders. (And that a pimple on your face is not the worst thing that can ever happen in life!!).

Once in a lifetime you get to experience the feeling of being whole- being completed. My OCD met your disorder (nearly left you coz of that by the way!). My no fun attitude met your let’s put some weed in the tea attitude. (I don’t approve of cannabis use, but it does give the tea plenty of spunk!) I miss dancing to brick and lace, and you rolling on the floor laughing your ass off. (And you know I am a good dancer so shush!). I miss stripping for you, and bullying you into the last spoon of ice-cream.

I miss getting jealous, and you rubbing it in, and then you showing me off to the whole freaking world. (I miss being important to you). I miss you holding me, you resting your head on my shoulders (warmth of days gone by- Boys 2 men. Where the hell did that come from?).

If I had a choice, I would never date again, I would never meet anyone new. Do you know why? (Because you ruined me, everything is second best, mediocre. it’s you I see when am falling in my dreams, and I wake up crying because once again you wouldn’t catch me. why won’t you catch me in my dreams?).

People move on, things change, but am still stuck here. I don’t know how to purge myself of you. (I did the whole sleep around thing, it just makes me feel miserable and slutty, ok maybe hot slutty…lol). I have challenged myself gotten everything and everyone I have ever lusted for, and at the end of the day, it’s still not enough. Am still here lonely, typing on my computer at 12:01AM praying you spared a second to think of me today. (We belong together- Mariah Carey, it’s so easy to imagine things were different, alas am stuck with reality!).

You probably didn’t think of me today, which is ok.

poor rihanna... i hate getting bitten (i did not mean beaten!)...

for the luv of Christ wat is with men and women of today?
well i certainly hope rihanna gets better...shame though

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1Oo_f3SRbE

imaginative composition 101

i reject the philosophy of conformism... but to what extent can one really push their boundaries???

there was once a powerful shaman, a man way ahead of his time in the art of witchcraft. he was the envy and cause of misery of many, any who tried to cross his path were seldom heard from again. from generations past, he had always been there, the elders cringed at the simple insinuation of his name. still nothing could be done to rid the village of this evil man...

for discussions sake we shall call this shaman Bob (well the other name is really hard to pronounce, and kinda spooky so work with me..).

the new chief, who's father was eliminated by Bob, still carried a heavy heart and wished to exert his revenge on this evil man, and rid his village once and for all of this evil. so they held secret meetings, discussing how best to deal with Bob. they sent out invitations far and wide, as far as karagwe north of the tanganyika all the way to mombasa and the secret tribes of dodoma and dar...

one by one the wizards, witches, shamans, u name it would come... but also one by one would they also go back disheartened... or dead!
nothings seemed to scare Bob, infact one time the chief awoke to find all the people he had discussed with the night before completely dead... as if that were not enough, their flesh peeled right from their bones...
it scared the people... and oh did it scare the children. that day the mothers did not dare to venture from their homes...
the men, sharpened their spears and stood watch over their homes, protecting their families.

this went on for almost a month... the crop failed, a famine set in, the poor chief's village was on the brink of anarchy...
the people begged the chief to abandon his feud against Bob, they resolved they would rather pay tribute to this evil man, and leave him be so that their children could live to see another day...
and so it was... Bob was officially untouchable...

one day as the chief drunk himself silly (a new habit that caused him a lot of public ridicule)... u could say, the people were used to him now, they understood his frustrations, infact if they were also born of royal blood and didnt have to till the soil so hard, they'd be right there with him... taking that poison that makes the mind forget and wander...
a young man, came to the chief... he said, 'i can rid you of Bob'... the chief laughed out loud, and ordered the young man flogged until he got some sense into his head...
but as his guards tried to grab him, he dropped a snake on the floor that wriggled and spat fire....
one of the guards lifted his leather sandle and crushed the snake with one quick stump. the spears were now pointed at the young man.
he looked at them, and knelt before the chief and said, 'i can rid you of bob'.

the chief looked at this young man, and said, 'fine'... and what will i owe you for this charity... the young man replied, 'one thousand cowrie shells, and as much gold as i can carry'... the chief grinned and said, 'done'...

and so the plot begun..

a month later, the young man came to Bob, and humbled himself before the great shaman... he prostrated himself before him... and begged for apprenticeship...
he brought gifts of varying grotesqueness (the usual fetishes that shamans get off on... check this weeks Uganda leading daily's for bogere... that sort of thing....)
Bob was so pleased at the flattery and admiration that this young man paid to him...
all these years of receiving hate and scorn from the village he in his own twisted way so dearly loved, finally he had found one perhaps with the potential of being in his presence....

and so the apprenticeship started.. with simple tasks, the young man running errands... learning from his master...
on more than one occasion the young man was asked to dish out Bob's brand of justice on the poor people of the village... which he did with the utmost efficiency...
soon the people of the village were more afraid of the young man than they were of
Bob...
Bob would stare at the young man, and marvel at his creation... a man so callous and in touch with the occult.. it reminded him so much of his younger self.

on one of his errands the young man was ambushed by the chiefs guards... they then took him to the forest brush... where the chief himself was waiting...
the chief a clearly sad and broken man then asked... is this how you repay my kind gratitude... is this how you honour the life of my father???
the young man with a cold blank look on his face replied... 'i will rid you of Bob'..

the guards had their spears and daggers at the ready... the chief turned to the young man, and said, 'i am sorry, but i dont think i can handle having two Bob's in my village... its simply too much'.. and he ordered for the young man to be killed...
right then, the wind begun to blow, and the trees begun to sway, and a cloud of dust swept across the bush around then... it was as though the trees and plants dared to speak...

the guards dropped their weapons and ran... the chief stood his ground, dagger to the hand ready to slit the young man's throat open... as he looked around, he noticed something... something standing right beside him, something that wasnt their a heartbeat ago... Bob!
his heart beat so fast, that he couldnt master up the saliva to swallow...
and Bob told him, 'go ahead and kill him, let his blood be the atonement for ur fathers blood.... and by that, let ur children's children blood be the atonement for his'...
and so the chief dropped the knife and ran for the hills...

could it be that a friendship was in the making... soon the young man found himself spending more and more time with Bob, learning things... Bob was meaner than ever, but also quite happy...and soon started to let his guard down...

on one journey, Bob went into the bushes to ease himself (yes even shaman have to take a dump sometimes)... and he came out of the bushes and continued his journey all the way home in the village...
that night the young man sneaked out and walked for miles up until he found the bush,
he got the faeces and placed them in a banana fiber....
he then took them all the way home, and placed them right at Bob's door step...

early in the morning, Bob woke up, and as he walked out of his house, he stepped into what he at first thought to be cow droppings... but the smell was awful and the look of it!
he was infuriated... he walked into town and called for all the villagers to come out that very instant...
fear is a powerful thing, every man, woman, and children came out (so did their goats, cows and pets)...
then he asked, 'who dares to disrespect me like this!' and he held out the faeces with his bare hand... 'who dares! by sundown, the owner of this shall be dead!'...

and true to his word... at sundown the Bob was found dead...

the village gathered around to see the corpse of the greatest shaman that ever lived... evil incarnate...

he looked so peaceful...and old... many had forgotten how even before their grandparents were born he was there...

'well' the young man said... 'now i would like my payment'...

the chief was still in disbelief, 'fine'...said the chief

and the young man was paid his dues... and he then left the village.

there is no happy ending to this story, Bob was an evil man, but he also loved his village... to this day there has never been a drop of rain in what has now grown to be known as the zebu-sahara...

craving some more instability...

well mama goose... am in trouble...
i need to leave this job soon, my study options may require me to relocate for the next 3yrs to friggn mozambique (gosh i hate their mosquitoes!!!)...
and am tired... tired of pretty much everything and almost everyone at this point...
nothing seems to matter, the why which i luv so so much, has slowly digressed to a what..
am sitted infront of this laptop screen praying to God that a pop-up linked to some deadly virus would just come out of nowhere and crash my hard disk...
i need to get out of here and do something...
shoot myself in the leg or something...
i need some time away, or some form of drug induced euphoria (i like the last bit more... OMG am beginning to sound like a user)...

as part of my respect of bob... "time will tell, if ur living in heaven or hell"